Into everyone’s life…
Posted by Euroranger on September 22, 2009
So, I started to type this post yesterday but got far too involved in many more busy matters to get to it. Amongst those weighty issues with which I had to contend: helping MiniRanger through a particularly difficult level on World in Conflict, locating long forgotten Canadian 80’s music on YouTube because Napster sucks giant balls when it comes to finding such on their service and coding a new home page/user home for eLuncher. Oh, I was also doing some work in there somewhere as well for the day job. So, all in all, it was a busy day and I decided that I simply didn’t have the energy to type out another way too long post on this blog. Laziness is a seductive siren my friends and she pretty much pwns me. Anyway, back to our regularly scheduled theme of “God hating me”. When I outed God during my last blog post, little did I know how fateful a decision that would turn out to be. I live in the Atlanta, Georgia area. This I disclose elsewhere on this site and it is of no great secrecy. God is apparently a discerning reader because after my last post he initiated a campaign of trying to drown me…oh, and the rest of the southeast United States in the bargain. Sorry fellow southerners. My bad.
Near me we had interstate 575 shut down. When I say “near me” I mean that the exit the highway was closed at was 2 exits BEFORE where I live. So, if I had wanted to go into Atlanta yesterday to confirm the reasons why I don’t live in loot Atlanta like they did New Orleans (after all, isn’t this what yer supposed to do when a disaster strikes? Get a new TV for free?), I would have been unable to do so. At least not easily or without a boat. Other interstate and local highways were under water which effectively shut Atlanta completely down. Atlanta is an odd city like that. In the winter, two flakes of snow, falling within the same 5 mile radius of each other is enough to cause schools to close, highways to clear and people to stay home to make huge runs on eggs, milk and bread at the local grocery stores. If Publix ever figures out how to make it snow they could get more money than Scrooge McDuck. However, these are more stout folk when it comes to water in its liquid form. For instance, here in Woodstock, we’ve gotten 8 inches of rain in the past week. Some parts of Atlanta have gotten TWENTY. To give you non-Southern people a couple frames of reference: 20 inches of rain equates to roughly 16 1/2 FEET of snow. Also, a hurricane or tropical storm will dump 5-6 inches on a particular piece of land. Woodstock has gotten off comparatively lightly and we’ve gotten 8 inches in the past week; 13 inches over the past two weeks.
That much rain around here is exceptionally rare and is an event in its own right. I mean, for excitement, people will go down to the “crick” to see the raging rapids they become…and they take kids…and they get too close to the edge…and they end up as a headline. This is a given here: people go down to see the dangerous water and then somehow forget that it’s dangerous and wind up illustrating what dangerous means to the rest of us. It’s as if Darwin is striking back with an assist from God and possibly Jim Cantore who, incidentally, WAS spotted in the greater Atlanta area yesterday. Jim supposedly rescued a woman from her car that was trapped in a flooded section of a road. Now, he’s a hero and all for doing that but if that woman knew what you and I both already know about what a Jim Cantore sighting means…well…she HAD to have had second thoughts about allowing Jim Cantore rescue her (“On the one hand, I could drown here but, on the other hand, that IS Jim Cantore…maybe this could get worse”). It’s just odd how things work out. For instance, last evening I was coming back from the local Blockbuster with Mrs. Ranger and the two little Rangers when I noticed a group of people standing in a circle in the parking lot of one of the local churches. At first I thought they might have been doing one of those weird fundie church things but then I remembered that 99% of that is Liberal Masturbation Myth so I then figured “nah, this is Woodstock…they’re prolly looking at a dead raccoon or maybe a hole in the ground”…cause Woodstock is THAT exciting. Oh hey, guess what:
A great big hole in the ground. People around here are so lacking in entertainment that they’ll actually pull off the road, get out of their vehicle and then go gawk at a hole in the ground. It’s sad. The sadder part? Yeah, we all stopped and got out and looked too. Hell, I even took a picture. Then I went home and watched X-Men Origins: Wolverine. That movie was pretty good. Not “great big hole in the ground” good but it was okay.
Actually, this kind of event further illustrates the existence of God…and his twisted sense of humor. Recently, Georgia has been in a pissing contest with Alabama and Florida over who owns the waters that flow in the Chattahoochee River. Georgia likes to say that because the river essentially originates in Georgia that the river’s waters are Georgia’s and that we can divert as much of that water as we like and Alabama and Florida can go pound sand about it. Normally, we wouldn’t care who got the water as normally we have plenty to go around. However, we were just emerging from a brutal drought that lasted around 2-3 years and this part of Georgia was dry as a desert so we decided to be complete pricks about it and use it as an excuse to act like real jackholes to our neighbors. It got so bad that rather than doing something sensible like fix the Atlanta water system, negotiate a better deal with the idiots manning the floodgates of the Army Corps of Engineers or instituting draconian water use rules much earlier in the crisis, our illustrious leader Governor Sonny Perdue organized a prayer vigil to help us out of the crisis. Naturally, God being the cagey dude that he is, promptly put Sonny and his ilk on “ignore” and went about his business of hating me or whatever it is he does when he’s not making it rain like normal. In any event, “ignore” doesn’t mean “forget” and God isn’t in the habit of answering a single prayer (especially from a politician) so he has to wait for other prayers to come in that he could all answer with but a single omnipotent act. Those “other prayers”, by the way, were obviously variations on: “God, please find a way to send all the Katrina refugees back to New Orleans”. God, it seems, has a sense of humor when it comes to fulfilling wishes. Now, if only FEMA would show up with some gift cards and other free shit, we’d be all set.
Anyway, it’s sunny as I type this so I’m going to venture outside today and enjoy the brief respite to bask in the splendors of quiescent nature…and maybe see if I can score a free TV or maybe a plastic trash can full of Heineken.
My name is Euroranger and I approved this message.