G.H.E.Y. IN. H.D.

"God Hates Euroranger, Yes INdeed He Does"

  • October 2009
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O’ Canada

Posted by Euroranger on October 13, 2009


Who cares why they do it? Theres something cool about doing something just because you can.

Who cares why they do it? There's something cool about doing something just because you can.

I’m a day late and a dollar short ($1.02980036 dollars if you use Loonies) but yesterday was Canadian Thanksgiving and I missed saying “Happy Thanksgiving Eh!” to all my Canadian relatives and acquaintances.  I have no idea how I managed to miss what is possibly the best holiday occasion of the year but I suspect it had much to do with me being entirely engrossed by America’s own Columbus Day celebrations and researching the word “sarcasm” to make sure I had the correct definition.  So, to all my Canadian connections, Happy Canadian Thanksgiving Day, Eh!

Thanksgiving really IS the best holiday of the year.  It far surpasses Christmas, Easter and Hallowe’en…combined.  Not to even bother mentioning Arbor Day, Groundhog Day or President’s Day.  Those are stupid holidays and suffer a total holiday smackdown when put up against Mighty Thanksgiving Day!  I believe one the reasons people originally migrated like rats and lemmings from Europe to North America was because we had Thanksgiving Day and they had something paltry in comparison like “ThanksForNotKillingUs Day” or “ThanksForNotForgettingPoland Day” or “ThankGodWe’reNotFrench Day”.  While all those are certainly moments to be immortalized by doing something special (probably distinctly un-European like “eating something that wouldn’t make a billy goat puke” or “bathing”) they don’t hold a candle or other light-casting incandescent device on the Mighty North American Thanksgiving.  Simply put, Thanksgiving Day is the reason I like living in North America.  Hell, when I lived in Canada, my family actually celebrated twice…that’s how outstanding a holiday it is.

Did you know that a case of beer in Canada costs more than $40?  So yeah, they only do it half right.

Did you know that a case of beer in Canada costs more than $40? So yeah, they only do it half right.

Now, to be clear, we’re not entirely sure what Canadians give thanks for such that they celebrate Thanksgiving Day.  America has a rich Pilgrims/Indians/First Thanksgiving myth we use to justify our incredible gluttony on the third Thursday of November every year.  Canada has…well..I don’t rightly know.  Does that make it less of a holiday?  Hell no I say!  It makes it even more awesome!  Think on it: “we don’t NEED some silly excuse to eat like pigs and drink like fish…we just DO IT!”.  If that’s not the textbook definition of North American Awesomeness, I don’t know what is.  I think Canada was trying to be too cute by scheduling the day on a particular date (October 12) because in 3 of 7 years it falls on a Thursday, Friday or Monday…which means you get an extra day or two off work.  Otherwise it falls on days you can’t reasonably slack on (Tuesday or Wednesday) or it falls on a day you already have off (Saturday or Sunday).  I have no idea what came over them with Thanksgiving but normally Canadians are deucedly clever about arranging “holidays” so that they fall on a Friday or Monday so they can create that other uniquely awesome Canadian tradition: “the Long Weekend”.  Do you want to know how fucking awesome Canada is?  They’re so awesome they declare a civic holiday (aka: “a holiday for no apparent reason”) in June and again in August…just so they can have a long weekend in each Summer month.  Don’t have a holiday in a month you want one?  No problem!  Make one up, eh?!  They don’t have a good holiday occasion in May so they just celebrate Queen Victoria’s birthday.  Seriously, Victoria Day (as it’s known formally in Canada) is May 24th but Canadians celebrate it on a Friday usually and informally call it “May Two Four”…the two four being what they call a case of beer in Canada, which coincidentally, is the reason they even have holidays in the first place: to drink lots of beer.  Canadians will declare a holiday quicker than a sailor on shore leave will drop his trousers.  “No reason needed”, they say.  “We’re Canadian and by God we just FEEL like sitting in a car for 6 hours for the exodus to Cottage Country so we can strip down to our pasty white pelts, swim in water barely temperate enough for narwhals and drink Molson Canadian until we puke up doughnuts and poutine”, they proudly and unapologetically declare.  At least that’s what they’d say if they weren’t so damned reserved and polite…or passed out.

Canadian scientists will one day come up with the reason why they have a Thanksgiving Day.  Probably wont be anytime soon though...

Canadian scientists will one day come up with the reason why they have a Thanksgiving Day. Probably won't be anytime soon though...

Now that I think on it, I believe Canada has a Thanksgiving Day to simply celebrate the fact that they ARE Canadians.  They’re not really giving symbolic thanks for simply arriving on the shores of North America.  Mexicans arrived here too but they don’t bother with that shit.  No, Canadians I believe designate a day, stretch out and for a singularly un-Canadian moment say quietly to themselves “holy crap it’s good to be a Canadian, eh”.  They swipe the “Thanksgiving Day” title from America because it would simply be too un-Canuck-y to call the holiday “YayWe’reCanadiansAndNotAmericansOrMexicans Day”.  But don’t be fooled by their polite natures for a second… you can bet that’s what they’re all thinking.  Regardless of what they celebrated or why they celebrated it, you simply have to bow your head in acknowledgment of a holiday that’s really an excuse to eat like a condemned inmate, drink like a condemned groom and laze around afterward in pursuit of being the least productive human being for a day.  That is, if you’re a man.  If you’re a woman, well, you’re kinda fucked.  You get to eat and drink alright…but only after you cleaned house, cooked food, and then cleaned up afterwards.  Still, it’s kind of like payback for not paying for dinners, movies or for getting a convenient headache…47 nights in a row.  So, the karmic balance is assured by the very existence of Thanksgiving.  What I don’t get is how Canadians don’t schedule Thanksgiving in association with sports.  In the U.S. we have football games on Thanksgiving Day.  Now, I know the Pilgrims didn’t have football back in the day but they didn’t have reclining couches, satellite dishes or 52″ LCD TV’s.  If they had, you can bet some enterprising Pilgrim dude would have figured out a way to get the Patriots/Redskins game on the tube.

So, congratulations Canada on your recent foray into self-indulgent gluttony.  You may be like America’s little brother: copying our Thanksgiving but getting it on the wrong day, without sports and without even the pretense for a good reason (we are better at deluding ourselves) but we still like you.  We appreciate your low key personality example, your superior beer and really like that you sit up there like our very own jimmy-hat.  We’ll get around to doing REAL Thanksgiving in about a month or so…but if you like, you’re all invited down here to partake.  Mrs. Ranger makes her grandmother’s sweet potato cassarole, my mom makes her green beans in bacon, whilst me, my dad and MiniRanger will sit out back, by the firepit, smoking a turkey on the grill.  I move a TV out there to watch the football and set it next to the cooler full of beer.  You’re all welcome to stop by.  Just let us know in advance.

My name is Euroranger and I approved this message.

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2 Responses to “O’ Canada”

  1. Savannah said

    Awesome blog!

    I thought about starting my own blog too but I’m just too lazy so, I guess I’ll just have to keep checking yours out.
    LOL,

  2. Nancey said

    Wow !!!! Happy Thanksgiving!! .!! 🙂 🙂
    Thanksgiving is one of my favorite holidays, and each year I like to get into the mood-extend the holiday, when it were-by reading “Thanksgiving novels.” Not surprisingly, most of these stories are mostly about families, about coming together to heal old hurts and getting thanks for the gift of love. … —
    Have You Been Currently Far better Off These days Than You Had been 6 Years Ago?

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