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Friday the 13th: Bad Day For Rabbits

Posted by Euroranger on November 13, 2009

Country tubs...what's so damn erection-encouraging about this?

I thought things got all shrunk and wrinkly in the tub. Did I somehow miss something here?

Today is Friday, the 13th.  Via silly superstition this day is regarded by some as an omen of bad luck and ill tidings.  Poppycock!  I find it amazing that with all the trappings of the very zenith of human civilization that living in the United States confers, some people still choose to believe in all the mystical voodoo and metaphysical humbug that you tend to hear on days like today.  “Don’t let a black cat cross your path”.  “Don’t walk under a ladder”. “Breaking a mirror will bring you seven years bad luck”.  What utter folderol!  You would think with the advances in the human condition that the miracles of science make possible everyday that people would have stopped believing in such mumbo jumbo claptrap eons ago.  Do your joints ail you upon rising in the morning?  It’s not an affliction of an evil spirit.  It’s arthritis and medical science has proven and effective treatments for it.  Is your hair falling out?  Don’t go to the local witch doctor who will make you drink some disgusting potion to appease the hair gods (editor’s note: these gods too also likely hate me…or they will when they make my acquaintance as I still have all my hair).  Go to your doctor and he’ll prescribe some wispy mousse you can smear on your bald spot that will magically turn you into a chick magnet (at least according to the television commercials).  If after you’re up and about pain free and after having combed out your voluminous, Fabio-like locks you have finally chosen one from the multitude of nubile females sure to be beating down your door, you find that you can’t perform…forget making repeated pathetic excuse-laden apologies, curling up in a ball and weeping mournfully to yourself.  Get naked, find an abandoned outdoor porcelain tub (preferably two of them and overlooking some pleasant bucolic scene), get in it and then pop a pill that will make your formerly AWOL manhood rage with boundless memories of your youth and/or those awkward moments when you were called to the chalkboard in middle school and had to decline due to “technical difficulties” because something was already unexpectedly “please standing by”.  Yes, you have no need to dabble or even concern yourself with such banal inanities as superstition, bad luck or even something as benign as karma (as long as your name isn’t “Euroranger”, that is).

Medical science has truly banished the idiocy of superstition!  Why just the other day I was directed to an article by a friend of mine that proves that science can conquer all ailments…even losing your dick in a freak industrial accident:

Artificial Penis Research Hops Ahead in Rabbits, Human Tests to Begin

Rabbit recipients of artificially grown penises are eager to copulate with female partners

We’ve seen all sorts of tissue engineering examples — from bone, to brain tissue, to nerves, to vascular tissue, and even muscles — but a new study from the Wake Forest University’s Institute of Regenerative Medicine has surpassed all of these in pure strangeness.  The study used advanced tissue regrowth techniques to create and endow lab rabbits with fully functional replacement penises.

The research was led by the institute’s director, Anthony Atala, M.D., who is most famous for devising a cell seeding technique that involves spraying cells harvested from an applicable tissue onto a collagen matrix, led the research.  Under Dr. Atala’s scheme the developing tissue is bathed in a nourishing serum than keeps the tissue in a chemical environment similar to the human body, and at a similar temperature to that of the human body.  Growth factors and other beneficial compounds are seeded into the tissue beforehand, to encourage the cells to divide and populate the new tissue.

Most cells contain a wealth of information about how to grow and form their local tissue.  Once in a receptive scaffold (like the collagen), they’re sometimes able to grow and form new tissues, if they’re exposed to the proper chemicals and physical conditions.  By combining one or more tissue types and encouraging the growth of blood vessels, organs can be formed.

Dr. Atala’s team had already regrown and implanted seven human male bladders, a significant success.  Ten years later, the patients are still showing good function.  However, the penis proved a much more elusive and complex tissue to grow.  Growing the outer skin in theory wouldn’t be overly challenging, but the inner spongy tissue, called corpus cavernosa, proved to be a much stiffer challenge due to the complex mix of cell types needed.

Past artificial penises grown at Wake Forest were taken off the drawing board after failing to stay erect when implanted into rabbits with a piece of their spongy tissue removed.  After close to 18 years of failed attempts, the researchers tried a different angle, removing the entire spongy tissue (not just a segment) and using different growth factors on a complex mix of cells, including smooth muscle cells and endothelial cells — the cells needed to form the arteries needed to bring blood to the penis’s spongy tissues, allowing it to become erect.

The result was a resounding success.  Writes the research team in their paper on the accomplishment, “This technology has considerable potential for patients requiring penile construction.”

The resulting penises were identical to their natural kin in response to electrical and chemical stimuli.  And the recipient rabbits proved eager to copulate, with eight of the 12 rabbits with implants achieving ejaculation and four becoming fathers.  While rabbits normally like to procreate over the long term, the recipients proved unusually randy, attempting to procreate much faster than normal male rabbits.

Describes the team, “Most control rabbits did not attempt copulation after introduction to their female partners.  All rabbits with bioengineered neocorpora attempted copulation within one minute of introduction.”

The study was reportedly published in the journal Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences (PNAS) on Monday, though a quick glance at the November 9 early edition did not show the study.

The research proves eerily similar to the frequently on-point animated show South Park’s episode “Eek a Penis”, which aired last year and involved the character Mr./Mrs. Garrison having his/her penis regrown on a lab rat.  Despite the success, though, such more advanced sex change operations remain out of reach, as scientists have yet to engineer functional testicles from body tissues.  Still, for some with damaged penis tissue, this study may provide new hope.

The research team next plans to start trying to implant regrown human penis tissue.  States Dr. Atala, “We’re going to be doing that experimentally at our center.”

Um…hang on a second whilst I collect myself here.  Alright.  Ready.


Okay, once we all recover from the cringe-inducing effects of that article…WTF?  Is this the best application of science?  What, we cured cancer last week so we moved on to this?  I must have missed the memo.  Growing artificial dicks?  Why oh why?  Is there really a demand for artificial, flesh and blood penii (the assumed plural of penis…assumed because since no straight man has more than one, there’s no possible straight NEED to know the plural) that can’t already be served adequately by the booming adult novelty industry?  What the hell?  Some of those plastic vibrating dicks must be made in the USA!  Think of the jobs!

Bugs...in happier days

Yeah, good luck with that Bugs. "What's up doc" is fixing to take on a cruel and ironic quality because the answer is gonna be "not much".

What gets me is the tone of the article.  The implied and expressed amazement that a rabbit would use a new dick.  What part gets me about that?  How about the whole, completely unmentioned part that somebody at Wake Forest University has a job that involves CHOPPING RABBIT DICKS OFF (capitalized…for your pleasure).  I mean, I won’t pass myself off as any expert but I can’t imagine that Mother Nature has a surplus of dickless rabbits simply roaming around the greater Winston Salem, NC area.  No, most likely a hapless grad student has been assigned the job by some professor (most likely the very evil Anthony Atala, M.D.) to be the official emasculater of a portion of the university’s male rabbit student body.  Did you go to college?  If so, did you ever see postings around campus asking for volunteers for some study or another?  Well, try to imagine the horror that these rabbits must have felt when they realized that the study that “pays $25 for your opinions regarding carrot juice alternatives” was really, in fact, an insidious plot to separate them from their formerly beloved rabbit making appendages.  And these are frickin’ rabbits!  You know what they’re good for: making more rabbits.  I mean, how cruel is it to take from a young strapping buck rabbit the one thing that enables him to fulfill the very purpose of his existence?  What the hell good is a male rabbit without a dick?  You can bet there were plenty of female Wake Forest University rabbits that were saying the same thing after a long night pubbing and then stumbling home with some drunk male student rabbit only to discover the horrific truth.

So, you take from a boy rabbit the one thing that God made boy rabbits for in the first place.  Then, you put it back.  And you express amazement that the recently reunited pair are out fucking everything in goddamn sight?

And the recipient rabbits proved eager to copulate…while rabbits normally like to procreate over the long term, the recipients proved unusually randy, attempting to procreate much faster than normal male rabbits.

Ya think?  YOU CUT OFF THEIR GODDAMN DICKS BEFORE!!!  Sweet jebus…someone gave me MY dick back after cutting it off…I’d get as much use out of it too before some dumbass in a white coat changed his fucking mind.  They did it more than “normal male rabbits” because…well…you didn’t take a fucking mini-chainsaw to normal male rabbits!  They don’t know the pain of loss so they take their equipment for granted.  Not these former eunuchs.  Oh no.  From now on, Mrs. Rabbit’s headache is a non-issue.  “Shut up rabbit-wife…you can have as many headaches as you want.  AFTER.”

Gweat Scott!  It’s Friday the 13th and even Jason wouldn’t do this!  You know what the truly horrific part of this is?  Let me give you a hint:

After close to 18 years of failed attempts…

Artist's concept of what Anthony Atala, M.D. might look like

Artist's concept of what Anthony Atala, M.D. might look like

Two decades of mutilating rabbit johnsons is what Wake Forest has been up to.  Wonder where your kid’s tuition goes?  Well, once this story hits the mainstream media it’s gonna be going for class action lawsuit settlement damages would be my guess.  EIGHTEEN YEARS of hacking off hare hooeys.  Where is the humanity?  Medical science without a guiding morality is a pox on all humanity.  Stem cell research from aborted fetuses is one thing…this is entirely another.  I mean, understand, they didn’t hack all the rabbit cocks simultaneously.  They likely had a cage full of boy bunnies.  They’re all sitting there, wondering when they’re going to sample some carrot juice and planning on which pubs they’ll hit that night with their $25.  Some grad student comes in and takes one out of the cage and leaves.  A short time later, he comes back and, if there’s any mercy at all at Wake Forest, he puts the returning bunny into a separate cage.  Either way, it’s enough that the ones in the first cage now see what happened to the wailing and grief-stricken rabbit in the second cage.  He might even, through wracking sobs, have whispered what they just did to him.  Imagine the scramble to get to the back of cage 1 after that.  The plodding terror of each visit by the grad student.  One by one those undergrads were taken out and given the polar opposite of a bunny “happy ending”.  Elmer Fudd’s “kill da wabbit” bit is now put in shocking stark perspective.  That is now not a shadow on “be vewy vewy quiet…I’m hunting wabbit schlong…hehehe”.

Gad…the unspeakable horror.  Gods surely hate me but Anthony Atala, M.D. has got to be the rabbit version of Satan incarnate.  God merely teases and taunts me yet I sleep okay at night knowing that most likely I’ll wake up and my dick will be right where I left it.  Not so for some bunnies.

Oh, and as one parting shot, as if cleaving their cawks from their bodies and then sewing new ones on wasn’t bad enough:

The resulting penises were identical to their natural kin in response to electrical and chemical stimuli.

Pictured left to right: Jason, not-a-rabbit

Pictured left to right: "Jason", "not-a-rabbit"

What???  They shocked their new dicks and/or dipped them in fucking acid?  Egad!  What the hell?  Hollywood doesn’t do horror movies with this kind of sadism.  Who at Wake Forest hates rabbits so deeply that they would actively torture them like this?  “Identical” means they did this before AND after.  Holy crap, if you’re a rabbit living in North Carolina and you’re reading this…what the fuck are you still sitting there reading this for?  Why aren’t you and your furry little rabbit dick running for your very lives?  What, I gotta spell it out for you?

As I mentioned earlier, science has put to rest the notion of superstition and other such voodoo hooey.  That said, there’s obviously things that still go bump in the night that you would be well advised to retain a healthy fear of.  This goes doubly for you if you’re a male rabbit residing in the immediate vicinity of Wake Forest University.  Duh.

My name is Euroranger and I approved this message.


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