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"God Hates Euroranger, Yes INdeed He Does"

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Today’s post is brought to you by the letter “W” (Woods, whales & WTF)

Posted by Euroranger on January 6, 2010


Pictured right to left: Tiger Woods, not Euroranger

See? Even this guy will be getting some hush money from Tiger? Did that guy fuck everyone but me???

If you’ve made the somewhat questionable decision to follow this blog (or you were titanically bored enough one day to read some of my previous posts) you’ll know that I prefer to take a topic, blather on endlessly about it and essentially do the verbal equivalent of “fold, spindle, mutilate” it.  I was sitting at my desk this morning surveying the virtual landscape and realized that no single topic interested me enough (or presented enough material) to do an entire blog post about.  However, there were topics upon which I had formed definite thoughts and opinions so I believe I’ll try for a multi-themed entry today.  A catch-all blog post, if you will.  Let’s start with the lowest hanging fruit, shall we?

Tiger Woods – By now, you’d think that everything that can be said about a scandal that broke after Thanksgiving (the REAL Thanksgiving) would have been said.  But just like the guy whose last words are “hey ya’ll, watch this”…you’d be wrong.  You’d be wrong because I haven’t said anything about it yet.  Listen, I get it that the guy is a sporting God (prolly hates me), is one of the most recognizable people on the planet and is more popular than a Sno-Cone vendor in Hell.  Does this mean we should excuse and not talk about his indiscretions, his faults, his complete lack of judgement?  If you think that’s a rhetorical question perhaps you’re not aware of what I was referring to.  I’m not talking about his apparently fucking every other person on the planet except me.  No, he’s a celebrity and guess what, celebrities…yeah, they do that kinda thing.  No, what I’m referring to is this fucking mess right here:

Perkins FOOD is enough to make you gag...but this?

Perkins? Really? Tiger Woods eats at Perkins? What, Denny's wouldn't serve him?

Ladies and Gentlemen, this is one of the people the esteemed Mister Woods chose to be infidelitous to his wife with.  A waitress.  From Perkins.  The man has more money than God, is married to a Swedish supermodel, and pretty much has his pick of whichever skank he wants to stick his naughty bits into…and he chose this trainwreck…from the local Perkins down the road from his house.  Do you know who got hurt the most by THIS little detail of the scandal?  That’s right…all his corporate endorsement partners…especially TLC Laser Eye surgery.  If this is what looks good to a multi-billionaire enough to cheat on your Swedish hottie supermodel mother of your children…after laser eye surgery at TLC…well…that can’t be a ringing endorsement of their services.

 

Not such a good idea

Does this look like a good idea to you? If not, you're in good company because as of this morning, Darwin apparently agrees.

Whale Wars – You ever happen across that show on Discovery Channel?  You know, the one where a bunch of smelly hippies led by a fat bearded dude stumble around in a boat called the Steve Irwin (named after the famed stingray target who used to educate people on the wonders of nature by sticking his finger up a crocodile’s ass on TV) whilst they try their level best to be even more repellent than they are already but to a Japanese whaling fleet?  Yeah, I caught a whole 3 episodes of that shit before I realized that yelling at the TV was uncool when the program wasn’t football.  I hated that show because all it was was Discovery trying to glorify a bunch of dipshits who know next to nothing about what they’re doing.  In fact, what they’re doing is attacking and attempting to board other vessels on the high seas…which, last I checked, might be a pretty good definition of “piracy”.  They run around after the Japanese boats, launch ridiculous little Zodiac boats wherein the passengers on those boats speed towards the Japanese vessels to throw bottles of some kind of exceptionally foul smelling acid at them whilst trying to tow a rope across their bow so as to foul the props of the whalers and disable their ships.  Don’t get me wrong now.  Every single episode is about them failing due to their own utter and complete incompetence, occasionally with brief moments of luck that are quickly outwitted by the Japanese whalers…and I find that incredibly entertaining.  I don’t even LIKE whaling and yet I take enormous pleasure in watching those vegan hippie wannabes screw themselves over and over again.  With that background you can just imagine my visceral emotional response when I ran across this headline just this morning:

Boat damaged in anti-whaling clash in Antarctica

SYDNEY – A conservation group’s boat had its bow sheared off and was taking on water Wednesday after it was struck by a Japanese whaling ship in the frigid waters of Antarctica, the group said.

The boat’s six crew members were safely transferred to another of the Sea Shepherd Conservation Society’s vessels, the newly commissioned Bob Barker. The boat is named for the American game show host who donated $5 million to buy it.

Clashes using hand-thrown stink bombs, ropes meant to tangle propellers and high-tech sound equipment have been common in recent years, and crashes between ships have sometimes occurred.

The society said its vessel Ady Gil — a high-tech speedboat that resembles a stealth bomber — was hit by the Japanese ship the Shonan Maru near Commonwealth Bay and had about 10 feet (three meters) of its bow knocked off.

The group accused the Japanese ship of deliberately ramming the Ady Gil.

“They were stopped dead in the water when the incident occurred,” Maclean said of the Ady Gil. “When they realized that the Shonan Maru was aiming right for them, they tried to go into reverse to get the bow out of the way but it was too late. The Shonan Maru made a course correction and plowed directly into the front end of the boat.”

Now, I’m going to stop this here for a moment to let that claim sink in.  Professional Japanese fishermen/whalers in the waters around Antarctica with big, ungainly boats deliberately rammed a high-tech speedboat.  Why those evil Japanese bastards!  How dare they?!  That poor defenseless speedboat!  I’m so outraged…I’m going to read The Rest Of The Story (said with my best Paul Harvey voice):

the Japanese government-linked body that carries out the hunt, disputed Sea Shepherd’s account, saying video shot from the whaler showed the conservationists’ boat moving toward the whaler just before the collision.

“The Shonan Maru steams to port to avoid a collision. I guess they, the Ady Gil, miscalculated,” Inwood told The Associated Press. “Sea Shepherd claims that the Shonan Maru has rammed the Ady Gil and cut it in half — its claim is just not vindicated by the video.”

The Ady Gil is a 78-foot (24-meter) black-painted trimaran made of carbon fiber and Kevlar in a design meant to pierce waves. It was built to challenge the record for the quickest circumnavigation of the globe and can travel faster than 46 mph (75 kph).

Sea Shepherd unveiled the Ady Gil last October saying a California millionaire with the same name had donated most of the money for it. At the time, the group said the boat would be used to intercept and physically block Japanese harpoon vessels.

Wednesday’s confrontation with whalers marked the first for the 1,200-ton Bob Barker, which rescued the crew. Sea Shepherd only recently bought the ship after its namesake, the former host of the “The Price Is Right” game show and a longtime animal rights acitvist, donated the money. Barker met Sea Shepherd founder Paul Watson through a fellow activist and said he was instantly impressed.

“He said he thought he could put the Japanese whaling fleet out of business if he had $5 million,” Barker recalled. “I said, ‘I think you do have the skills to do that, and I have $5 million, so let’s get it on,’ so that’s what we did.”

Barker, 86, said he was “genuinely proud” to be associated with Sea Shepherd.

Oops!  Video?  Yeah, that’s gonna be a little difficult for Discovery Channel to edit so that the normally non-retarded viewer (assuming anyone still watching this steaming pile of crap ISN’T retarded) can be convinced that a speedboat capable of 50+ knots was outmaneuvered and rammed by a much larger ship that would be lucky to do 1/4 of that speed while surfing a tsunami with a tailwind.  Mind you, the boat WAS being piloted by complete fucking idiots…so there’s that.

In related news, Bob Barker, for whom I used to have some respect is apparently a certifiable dumbass.

The Audacity of HypeBarack Obama – Now, I know a good many of you voted for this guy and many of you will know that I was in the minority nationwide that did not.  I’ve reconciled that fact with my preferences and I’ve said here before that because I’m American and other Americans elected him that he’s my president.  I also said I truly do wish him well and was looking forward to seeing some of his campaign promises addressed and perhaps delivered on.  Well, we’re about 2 weeks short of the anniversary of his swearing in a year ago and so I ask: has this guy done anything yet?  In all seriousness, he’s been president for close on a year and he’s had Democrat majorities in both houses of Congress.  You’d think that with that kind of advantage at his disposal we’d have a laundry list of all the great promises he made during his campaign that he’s delivered on.  Cause, you know, Obama was all about Change and he wasn’t going to be yet another politician and he was the Messiah of Hope™ and all that.  Well, as it turns out, there is a site wholly dedicated to tracking a politician’s campaign promises and his delivery rate on those promises.  As I’m mentioning this, you can probably already discern where this conversation is going, right?  Well, without further ado, that site is called PolitiFact and for even more irony goodness, it’s run by the St. Petersburg Times, otherwise known as the St. Pete Pravda or if you’re not that cultured simply by the easier to remember moniker “Fishwrapper”.

So, check it out: Obama made, according to this site, over FIVE HUNDRED CAMPAIGN PROMISES.  That’s Billy Mays’d because it deserves to be.  Five hundred promises.  I’m pretty sure that even Tiger Woods, who has plenty of reasons to be lying his ass off hasn’t made that many promises…and Obama didn’t have a fully grown, enraged Viking descendant trying to decapitate him with a 5 wood.  Now I know that once Barry got elected to the Senate he pretty much immediately began campaigning for the presidency (and yeah, that’s been documented) so he was on the campaign trail an awful long time.  He had to say something to fill up all those awkwardly quiet moments after someone yelled from the back of the room “you have no experience and have never lead anyone in anything…why do you deserve to be president”.  I mean, 2 years of campaigning is an awfully long time to hope that none of the 300 million plus citizens of the country you hope to lead notices that you’re almost entirely unqualified for the job.  So saying something that sounded good is, in retrospect, an entirely understandable choice…especially when your other options were to say “I dunno”, “my teleprompter is broken so ask me later” or “you’re a racist”.

Anyway, I digress.  This site says Obama made over 500 promises.  That’s a pretty tall order in itself to track but this site goes one better and keeps score on those promises.  So, given that Obama is the president and his party controls both houses of Congress you’d think that 1/4 of the way through his administration that he’d be through around 1/4 of his promises, right?  And, of those 1/4 (or around 125) you’d expect that the biggies would be front and center.  You know, the ones like:

  • Get us out of Iraq
  • Close Gitmo/end torture
  • Repeal the Bush tax cuts
  • Create transparency and disclosure on earmarks
  • Tougher lobbyist rules
  • Secure the borders
  • Fully fund the VA
  • Reform healthcare

Yeah, those were just some of the high profile promises B.O. made during his epic campaign.  The site lists those and 17 more as Obama’s Top 25 promises.  Know how many he’s delivered on?  Would you believe only 3 and NONE OF THOSE I LISTED ABOVE?  A 12% delivery rate when he’s the man in charge and has a veto proof Congress behind him?  And do you know what those three promises were that he DID deliver on? (hold on to your hats folks):

  1. Create a foreclosure prevention fund (aka “throw money at something”)
  2. Send two additional brigades to Afghanistan (remember how he said “the Surge” wouldn’t work?)
  3. Reform mandatory minimum sentences for non-violent drug offenders (sell drugs? got caught? Barry’s your man!)

Yeah, that’s it so far.  Now, to be fair, he has another year before he loses his captive Congress so he still has time to deliver on other promises he’s made.  It would appear, for instance, that he’s about to do something about healthcare (albeit in the same way he “did something” about that foreclosure prevention fund).  But all that said, are we any better off now than we were a year ago?  Unemployment is 10% (which doesn’t do much for his promise to create 5 million “green” jobs).  We’ve seen Barry squawk about the money the evil Republicans were giving to banks at the end of the prior administration to prevent a worldwide collapse of the global banking industry…but then Obama went WAY beyond that with his own bailouts, handouts and just plain largess handing out of taxpayer money.

I mean, seriously, what has this man done in his first year in office when he had more political capital to burn to get things done and a Congress who could do pretty much anything without worry of effective opposition?  From my perspective, he hasn’t done all that much.  In fact, according to PolitiFact, Obama has delivered on just 16% of the promises he made.  Among those:

  • Create an Advanced Manufacturing Fund to invest in peer-reviewed manufacturing processes (aka: “throw money at it”)
  • Increase minority access to capital (aka: “throw money at it”)
  • Expand loan programs for small businesses (aka: “throw money at it”)
  • Expand eligibility for State Children’s Health Insurance Fund (SCHIP) (aka: “throw money at it”)
  • Expand funding to train primary care providers and public health practitioners (aka: “throw money at it”)
  • Increase funding to expand community based prevention programs (aka: “throw money at it”…anybody noticing a trend in any of this?)

To be fair, he did also promise to “Give a speech at a major Islamic forum in the first 100 days of his administration” and he did that.  He also promised to “Appoint a special adviser to the president on violence against women” and he’s apparently also done that.  But really…is THIS what people wanted/expected when they punched the ballot for this guy?  Did all the folks that elected him really believe all the bullshit er hype about this guy?  Is the mass of the American electorate really that vacuous as to believe that a gimmick politician from Chicago (one of the most notoriously corrupt political machines anywhere) would be worth anything approaching the idolatry that this man enjoys?  To be fair, his recent job approval ratings reflect his lack of achieving anything of significance (although that Nobel Prize for doing jack shit sure was nifty) and it seems to show that Americans in general are starting to notice the lack of substance that a sizable minority of us were readily able to discern PRIOR to the election.  Still, it seems to me that while Barack Obama seems like a likable enough guy he’s going to go down in history just like the last likable Democrat president to lead us through a recession following a generally disliked two-term Republican president.

Yeah, Barack Obama and Jimmy Carter are gonna be neck and neck one day for the “What The Fuck Were We Thinking” award.  And this time, Barack will actually have done something (or perhaps more accurately, nothing) to be considered a nominee for it.  He still has time but his time is quickly running out.  What the hell has he been doing for the past year?  I mean aside from issuing orders to institute a policy of profiling airline passengers who are traveling to the United States.  I thought, prior to the United States of America electing a black president, that profiling was racist and wrong especially when employed by police in inner cities.  Imagine my surprise at the deafening silence that followed B.O.’s proclamation that we’ll be more sharply scrutinizing certain passengers based on their national origin.  Yeah, that just made one of my brain cells strap a bomb to it’s chest and run into my frontal lobe. I’m having a stroke now. Thanks Barry, you jerk.

My name is Euroranger and I approved this message.

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10 Responses to “Today’s post is brought to you by the letter “W” (Woods, whales & WTF)”

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