Things are starting to look up around here
Posted by Euroranger on March 12, 2010
America and Americans are admirable people. America and Americans also have lots of faults. America and Americans can be very smart, can be very dumb, can have have long memories and can have memories best measured by something called “femtoseconds” (one quadrillionth of a second). In short, it’s never safe to say that you can predict what a large, milling herd of Americans will do. For years, the only real reason the Russians were afraid of us enough to point thermonuclear tipped missiles at us was because we were unpredictable. I’m not sure how Russians would say “crazier than a bedbug” but I’m sure the grammatically correct Cyrillic version of that phrase was a common commie oath. In return, we pointed nuclear tipped missiles at the Russians because we had them, had the 2nd Amendment and Charlton Heston came down from the mountain with a tablet that said it was okay to do so. Charlton and Moses pretty much hated commies. However, to get back on track, Americans have a hate/hate-even-more relationship with their government. This is odd because the American version of democracy has vaulted us to the highest standards of living in the entire world. It’s like we’re spoiled kids who bitch and complain when we’re already living in the nicest house and have the nicest things. This would be an example of an American fault and an American virtue occupying the same space.
So, anyway, if you hadn’t caught the news recently, Americans are starting to do even weirder things than is normal. Not weird like in it gets you arrested and authorities describe your lapse in judgment with words like “prurient” or “licentious”. For instance, a little while back Massachusetts did something completely unexpected: they pulled their collective head out of their collective ass and didn’t simply grant the Senate seat held by former senator and one-time amateur bridge diver, Ted Kennedy to the next Democrat in line who managed to get to election day unindicted. They held an election and, for the first time in nearly 2 generations, actually made that election something other than the massive joke of a rubber stamp that it had become and elected someone other than a Democrat to the Senate. Now, naturally, for the past 40 years or therebouts, Ted Kennedy was pretty much a stone-cold betting lock every 6 years when election time for his seat came round. But then something happened that would derail any political career: he got drunk, snuck off with a woman who wasn’t his wife, managed to drive off a bridge, leave the girl to drown in the water trapped in the car, wander home, take a nap, and not remember to tell the authorities he died. You see, despite recent advances in the zombie sciences, even Teddy K, despite all the years he spent in preparation pickling himself, couldn’t ignore Death and so, his seat was up for grabs in an actual election in his district. Would you believe they voted in a Republican? Oh, I know, I asked the same thing: “what are the odds that an entire state could be drunk enough all at the same time to do that“? But, it happened and the world spun backwards for a moment. But then, in his first vote, the new guy voted with the Democrats…so it was all God’s way of saying “hey Massachusetts just kidding!…but seriously, quit dicking around down there”. Obviously he doesn’t hate them yet or he would have, oh I don’t know, afflicted them with an earthquake…which seems to be the popular choice on the “how does God wanna deliver a message these days” list. Protip to God from Haiti, Chile and Turkey: UPS, Fedex and Purolator are all cheaper.
As if it wasn’t strange enough that Massachusetts either collectively woke up or collectively suffered a debilitating brain aneurysm, other Americans appear to be coming to of late. Just the other day, Amazon.com told the entire state of Colorado to get bent. It would seem that the fine lawmakers in the state of Colorado decided to ignore that whole pesky ban on taxing interstate commerce provision in the Constitution…apparently because they couldn’t come up with a feasible way to get enough roofies to drug the entire populace of the state so they might buttfuck them some other way. What they told internet retailers was this: out-of-state online retailers must collect Colorado state sales tax if they sold to someone in Colorado. Amazon.com in turn told Colorado to eat a bowl of dicks and the result will likely be that around 5000 Coloradoans (?) will lose their jobs as a direct result. That’s not good these days but I’m actually amazed that Amazon.com somewhere, somehow discovered the testicular mass to tell Colorado lawmakers to go fuck themselves over this extortion attempt. Google couldn’t seem to find that same groove in China of late but God bless Amazon. It’s been a wonder to me for some time whether anyone else realizes that there is a natural limit to how many things you can actually tax before the people you’re taxing rediscover the notion that we all have guns for just such an event. Interestingly enough, this is the same Colorado that hosts the town of Colorado Springs where, when the citizenry put their foot down and said “no new taxes” and the city came up with a budget shortfall they decided to turn off about 1/3 of the streetlights, fire beat cops, a vice squad and some firefighters…but decided to keep the popular drug addict needle exchange program. People vs. the government is getting more ludicrous by the day.
But it may also be getting dangerous. We all heard about the crazy domestic terrorist loon who flew his plane into that IRS office building in Texas. Unhinged, deranged maniac, right? Well, judging from the rather cogent goodbye manifesto he left behind and the general reaction on internet chat boards by other Americans…maybe not. He said: “I choose not to keep looking over my shoulder at `big brother’ while he strips my carcass” and “I saw it written once that the definition of insanity is repeating the same process over and over and expecting the outcome to suddenly be different. I am finally ready to stop this insanity.” Now, that could all be the product of a delusional mind but consider for a moment: this guy tried more than once to start a business, failed and ended up having to declare bankruptcy. In other words, he lost his fucking shirt. Oh but hey, guess what? On top of all that he owed the IRS around $126,000. The dude was, like me, a software engineer, he lost everything…and he ends up owing the IRS $126,000?!? How is that possible? For my family of 5, my annual taxes are around $2000 altogether. That’s 63 years of taxes for me. I guess the IRS figured an assload of penalties and interest would help him right out, right? Yeah, small wonder the guy decides to burn down his house and then fly a Cessna into an office building. They should be glad he hadn’t decided to load up the plane with as much aviation fuel or dynamite as he might could have gotten his hands on, huh? What’s more, the chat boards I browsed about the incident weren’t 100% against him. There was a sizable minority (I’d wild-ass guess it was around 35-45%) who said “yeah, I can understand that”. When you couple that growing trend with the fact that Americans’ regard for Congress can best be described by the as-yet uninvented word that combines the concepts of unutterable rage, slack-jawed incredulity and a healthy dose of depthless despicability and you begin to see just how wise a bunch of guys like Thomas Jefferson and his ilk were when they guaranteed that Americans should all have the right to bear arms. Not for use against each other…but for possible use against their own government.
By coincidence, the Supreme Court has decided to hear arguments about the ludicrous Chicago anti-gun law. Now normally, this isn’t a particularly newsworthy enough event for me to comment on. That was until I heard that, get this: the rights enshrined in the Bill of Rights, Constitution and its various amendments only explicitly apply to the federal government and not necessarily to states. This is true believe it or not and while most of the rights we know and enjoy as Americans have been shoehorned in via the due process clause of the 14th Amendment, those rights have all been applied to states one at time and apparently the 2nd Amendment ain’t had it’s turn yet. I like to consider myself something of an educated, informed American and I was rather taken aback to learn that the rights we’re all told we have we…well…actually don’t really have directly. They’ve been assured through judicial gymnastics and sleight of hand…which is both amazing and troubling. Anyway, the SCOTUS struck down the ridiculous Washington D.C. handgun ban a little while back and that ruling directly led to the challenge to the very similar Chicago law. In short, the SCOTUS will likely hear the case, tell the city of Chicago to go pound sand and formally make the 2nd Amendment the law of the land…which a great many of us simply assumed it already was.
So, let’s recap:
- Americans do unpredictable things
- Americans pretty much despise their government
- Americans are increasingly appearing to be not as laconic and stupefied as we’ve all become accustomed to them being
- The Supreme Court is about to declare that everyone has a right to own a gun anywhere
If I’m a member of Congress, I’d be digging a safe room in my basement right about now and you know what?…maybe that’s a good thing.
My name is Euroranger and I approved this message.