Posted by Euroranger on December 4, 2010
Ah! The Christmas holiday season is upon us and the 25th is fast approaching. I do so very much enjoy the season and all the festivities. I like all the traditional trappings of the holiday ostensibly celebrating the birth of the Baby Jebus. I like the caroling. I like the wreaths. I like the stockings hung by the chimney with care. I like the gift giving. I like the annual reminder that people should be kind and generous with one another. I like the tree (I hate putting it up…hate even more to take it down). I like the Christmas feast (although I decidedly do not like figgy pudding). I like the Charlie Brown Christmas Special (“A Charlie Brown Christmas”) where despite pressure on ABC from atheists and other assholes to cut it out of the cartoon, Linus still walks out on stage and tells us what Christmas is all about. I even like the tales of reindeer and flying sleighs and a fat man in a ridiculously scarlet suit performing break and enters on every home in the world on Christmas Eve…and being welcomed to do so by every kid and everyone who remembers enjoying being a kid. These are all the things Christmas was meant to be. However, as this is my blog and its very existence is dedicated to acting as a cathartic release for my typically unsocial and repellent opinions, you can likely guess that this dash through the Christmas snow in a one-horsed open sleigh is about to result in a holiday DUI or something. You’re so right! Lots of people complain about the commercialization of Christmas. To some extent I can kinda get behind that…when the “buy, buy, buy” mentality overcomes the purpose of the holiday (which is to celebrate the birth of the Baby Jebus who winds up meeting a pretty awful end on our collective behalf years later…not as a baby but as a full grown hippie…cause nailing babies to crosses would be wrong…even to Romans) and turns the entire occasion into greed and avarice instead of compassion, understanding and love of your fellow man. However, if it doesn’t swamp those messages entirely I’m actually okay with the whole “buy a shit-ton of stuff for your family, friends and loved ones” (particularly when I fall into one of those three categories). To that end, I’m okay with ads and commercials for things like toys and clothing and such. But I’ve noticed that Christmas has the most odd effect on advertisers. And by “odd” naturally I mean “teeth-grinding and homicide-inducing”.
For instance: when else other than the holiday season do you see ads for perfume? I get it that it can be hard to buy mom, your wife, your girlfriend, your booty call or other special, cherished woman in your life that perfect gift…especially if you’re a man (because we just don’t pay attention to shit like that, you know?). So perfume is kind of like the “fallback” gift if all else fails. Think on it a moment: you want to buy your special woman that “just right” gift. A vacuum cleaner or new mop? Only if you’ve been dying to embrace the celibate lifestyle from the doghouse, buddy. How about clothing? Do you know her size? God help you if you don’t cause that’s a no win situation. Buy it too big and she’ll read that as you saying she’s fat. Buy it too small and she’ll see that as you don’t really know anything about her. Lingerie? Double danger points when it comes to the size issue and you throw in the added hates of “you didn’t buy this for me, you bought it for you” AND the off chance that you’re not paying attention on Christmas morning and she opens it in front of the kids or your in-laws. Yeah, smooth move. Slippers and robe are nice but how many years in a row can you get her slippers and a robe? So, see how perfume works out? It’s smells nice, has no size, is reasonably affordable…and you still retain some small shred of a chance that despite the fact that you just demonstrated you have as much imagination as a rutabaga when it comes to gift giving, you might still get laid sometime in the next 12 months (which, for men, is pretty much what everything is about). So, to recap, perfume ads only show up at Christmas but I’m understanding why (to help out every person unfortunate enough to be both in possession of a functional penis AND the company of someone else they like to put it into from time to time). This advertising has the laudable twin goals of keeping the male suicide rate down and perpetuating the species. However, there are ads that run during Christmas time that induce, in me anyway, an almost immediate intense hatred that it makes me almost wish we all didn’t pose as Christians each December. I speak to you now of my twin holiday hates: jewelry commercials and luxury car commercials.
Sweet wrathful Gods-who-love-to-spend-their-spare-omnipotent-time-tormenting-me, I hate these commercials with a level of malevolent hostility I find difficult to muster for few other things in life. There are three advertisers in particular I could wish every malady known and unknown to mankind upon and still probably be dissatisfied with their resultant agony:
- Jared (they even have the smarmy, I-want-to-pulp-your-face tagline: “the Galleria of Jewelry”…know what a Galleria is? Yeah, it’s another word for “mall”. Way to keep it classy there Jared.)
- Kay Jewelers (“every kiss begins with ‘K'”…guess what, so does the word “kill”)
- Lexus (oh how I detest thee…BTW you smug fucks: who do you think you fool by calling a used car “pre-owned”?)
Yes indeed, few advertisers rouse my righteous ire like those three at Christmas time. They all share one glaring characteristic: the products they hawk are all for rich people. Now, I have no particular hated of rich people because I hope to join their ranks one day and share their view from the top of the food chain. However, even when I’m there I doubt my lofty perch high atop my incredible wealth will be enough to drive the spiteful revulsion from my soul that ads from these three generate whenever I am exposed to them. I get it that rich folks can afford expensive things to give their loved ones/concubines as gifts during the holidays. But seriously, do you need to have it drilled into your head at EVERY SINGLE COMMERCIAL BREAK on television? Isn’t it enough that we’re inundated with their “spend, spend, SPEND!!!” ads a hundred times per day and not the 5000 or so they try as hard as they can to stuff down our throats? And the ads themselves…egad! “He went to Jared”. Oh Good God…it’s at times like this that despite my advanced skill with the English language, I find myself at a complete loss for a turn of phrase to adequately describe my complete and utter loathing of that ad campaign. You know what that line says to me? It says “he’s a cheap bastard and went to a jewelry store in the frickin’ MALL for a gift that’s about as unique as sand at the beach”. I guess if he went to Jared you could say something like “well, at least he didn’t buy your bauble at Walgreen’s”. So there’s that I suppose. But the ads themselves are just so repellent. A whole bunch of people smiling and saying to one another “he went to Jared!”. Yeah, it was right next door to the clinic at the mall where he gets his “special problem” treated and it’s his way of saying “oops, my bad, you got it too now”. The loathing I feel for this company has even spilled over onto another company. Because of the jewelry ads, I can’t stomach the thought of eating at a Subway now either.
Kay Jewelers is in the same category but they’re not nearly as bad as Jared. They too hawk crappy, cheap-ass, gaudy fripperies from THEIR exquisite mall locations to those who can’t decide between a cheap piece of crap tin necklace or a cheap piece of crap tin can of Natural Lite as a suitable gift for that “special” (read: “likely retarded”) woman in your life. I suspect they both induce the same end: the sounds of vigorous porcine copulation in a rocking trailer later…but damn, the commercials are just so odious. And the fact that they blatantly smack their ignoramus target market in the mouth with their tagline (“every ‘kiss’ begins with ‘K'”) by reminding them that if they’re swayed by such an awful commercial that they also likely failed 2nd grade spelling just makes the contempt all the more palpable. Somewhere there’s some ad executive sitting behind a desk with his feet propped up thereupon and celebrating his clever little jingle that they put those words to in every commercial. The kind of jingle that bores its way into your brain and acts like a parasite feeding on your good holiday emotions. Hopefully one day he’ll be smirking his humanity-hating smile in a burning sea of demons and fallen souls in hell. After all, every Hades begins with “H”.
But Lexus…oh my…where do you begin with a product that, in itself is nothing more than a trumped up Toyota such that it’s the very epitome of the word “pretentious”? Are they nice cars? Sure…just like Toyotas are nice cars. Do they truly believe there are people out there who are simultaneously so vacuous and so wealthy that they’d consider leasing one of these as a “gift”? Well, joke’s on me I guess because they keep running that god damned “December to Remember” campaign…you know the one, the one where some dumbass LEASES a car, slaps a gigantic red bow on it and then”gives” it (naturally, they don’t own the damned thing) to some other dumbass who thinks this is a great gift. Of course, if I could give gifts of things I don’t actually own but am simply renting, it’d make things a shit ton easier as long as you could rent jewelry or perfume I suppose. What’s worse is that Lexus doesn’t stop with their insipid television commercials. No they carry their particular form of soul erasing, season whoring to the radio. Ever hear that guy’s voice who does the voiceovers for their TV and radio commercials? Have you ever wondered, as you drive down the road moments after punching the off button as though it owed you money, how many “men” they had to go through in voice tryouts before they found the perfect voice that personified the entitled, assuming, suave-with-silver-hair-but-not-too-old-to-still-get-a-stiffy, pretentious asshole your mind simply assumes he is because of the breathy way he talks while extolling the virtues of a hopped up Toyota? No? Well…that’s probably because you knew I had already done all that for you, I’m sure. Sweet Baby Jebus…of all the holiday ads I hate, I hate Lexus’s the most. With the fire of a thousand merrily blazing Christmas trees I hate the very sound of their ads. What’s worse is this year, Cadillac and Infiniti both are copying the style.
And here to think I actually wanted a new TV for Christmas. All it would do is bring all that crap even further into my home as it is. In fact, the only thing good about the holiday season is hearing Burl Ives sing the carols and do the little stop motion Rudolph special that’s been airing since they invented fire. Well, that and Linus actually telling us all what the holiday season is actually all about. In fact, take it away Linus:
My name is Euroranger and I approved this message.